Back to the Future
Fireproofing your son is a good idea
DeLorean. Manure. 1.21 Gigawatts. I can only be talking about Back to the Future, a tale of discovery by a teenager who travels back in time only to be stuck witnessing and influencing events that shaped his (and his parents’) future. It’s got fighting, rock’n’roll, and crazy science…all things quite common in 80’s films. But what can we learn from George and Lorraine McFlys’ parenting skills?
Our Child:
Marty McFly is the youngest of three McFly children. He dreams of becoming a rock musician and thinks he can get there by playing the electric guitar as loudly as possible. He breaks sound equipment without owning up to it and lies to his parents about his weekend plans to go “camping” with his girlfriend. He is so self-absorbed that when the family car is wrecked, all he can think about is his plans for the car, not the impact it has on his family’s finances. His best friend is an aged, time-obsessed scientist who has blown his family fortune on his crazy experiments. In other words, a typical teenager aside from the nutty professor.
Our Parents:
George and Lorraine McFly are high school sweethearts for whom life didn’t turn out so great. George is stuck in a dead-end job working for a man who has bullied him his entire life, and Lorraine is quietly drinking herself to death lamenting the “Florence Nightingale effect” that resulted from her father hitting George with a car in high school. Incredibly, while their first two kids didn’t fall far from the tree, Marty is evidently a pretty cool kid with a hot girlfriend and some musical talent.
Our Story:
Marty McFly, a skateboard-riding musician wannabe, is helping Doc Brown with time travel experiments at a local mall. Doc has obtained some plutonium by doublecrossing some Libyan terrorists in the name of science and has now made Marty an accessory to these heinous crimes (good thing the Patriot Act wasn’t around back then, or the movie might be called Back to the Waterboard). The Libyans, finding the only VW bus in history with a sun roof, respond with machine gun negotiations for Doc. Marty escapes in a DeLorean-housed time machine, only to be vaulted back to 1955, when his parents were teenagers and Doc Brown was a young, budding mad scientist.
In the past, I have advised against letting your children befriend older, crazy guys, especially those that are not opposed to breaking the law. I still stand by that practice, but am going to add an amendment: If the wacko is going to send your child back in time and that turn of events will improve your lives by making you rich and successful, then it is copacetic. Please note that “back in time” clause…I do not support sending a child to stay the night in bed with a wealthy nutball in order to sue him for millions of dollars. And try to figure out a way to reinforce the idea that it is in the kid’s best interest to at least maintain the status quo whilst time-traveling. A standard self-preservation ideal works out pretty well – make sure he carries around a picture of his family to remind him.
In 1955, Marty finds a teenage George climbing a tree to scope out a girl undressing, takes his maternal grandfather’s hood ornament in the chest for his father, and subsequently discovers that Lorraine was quite the persistent vixen when he wakes up in her room. It is this sequence of events that unravels his family’s history – he spends the rest of the movie combating his father’s weaknesses and his mother’s advances. These are the types of things you need to be aware of if you are planning on parenting through time travel. You have to be vigilant all your life for random people taking an unexpected interest in you. These people may be your kids exploring the space-time continuum. That means no peepshows, not letting people bully you, and acting like you want your kids to act all the time. Most importantly, do not make a pass at these people (standard geographic exceptions may apply), unless you want to be singing “I’m My Own Grandpa” some day.
George is quite unmoved by Marty’s pleas to hook up with Lorraine, so Marty uses modern technology (Eddie Van Halen) to threaten
Teenagers dress funny
him with cerebral liquification. Today your child might threaten you with loud, strange noises from a video game or iPhone – same maneuver, different medium. Do not be fooled by these tactics; boisterousness and a better understanding of the latest gadgets should be no match for your authority. Level the playing field and never buy your child anything that you don’t understand the nature of and thus will have used against you in mysterious ways.
Of course, Marty saves himself by getting Mom and Dad to kiss at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance by becoming the major influence for a rock legend. He returns to his rightful time with Doc’s help, only to find that his father is now a successful writer, his mother is happy, his siblings are cool, Doc Brown is no longer aerated, and he has a new 4×4 truck. Mega-happy ending.
Lessons Learned:
- “You built a time machine out of a DeLorean?” Become a famous writer by sending your kid back in time. Pack a lunch full of their existence as insurance against making things worse.
- “Quick. Put your pants back on.” Recognize your child no matter if it is before you have them – you don’t want a loopty-loop in your family tree.
- “You guys aren’t ready for that yet. But your kids are gonna love it.” Prevent technological terrorism by never providing your children with the tools. Be sure to tell them that those products will melt their brains – they won’t accept it, but it will prevent them from using that argument with you.
Thanks for reading, and see you next week.
